Channelling The Queen Mother on Mother's Day

As I type, I feel slightly anxious as I've got my usual Sunday Nite guests arriving in under a half a hour, and I really should be out in the kitchen slaving over yet another pot of Frozen Green Pea Soup which has become my Default Dinner Party Soup because its soo easy, its almost a joke soup.
All you do is cut up an onion, fry it in butter & then shove in a kilo of frozen green peas, some water & a whole load of My Favourite Disgusting Magic Ingredient, Instant Stock Powder which I'm sure is filled with some hateful toxic ingredient that I can't even bear to think about.
I'm serving the soup with some cream & mint leaves & some frozen crusty little baby bread rolls.
Thankfully, AJ is bringing the main course.
Anyway, all I want to say is Happy Mother's Day to myself & any other Mother who may be reading this. Even after all these years, I still can't believe I'm a Mother or that I didn't accidentally drop her or drown her in the bath when she was a baby which is what I was always terrified of doing.
Must get back to the kitchen.....

My Life in Pictures

Dear me, I wish I could think of a better title for this blog entry.
But I can't.
It's too late & I've spent hours composing catchy text on all these photos which you are about to see if you bother to stick around, on a new wonderful app I found in my Second Favourite Store in the World, The App Store.
Perhaps as little as a year ago, I'd never heard of An App Store, but now like the rest of The First World, I can't keep away from the place.
It's too too exciting.
Anyway, the title , My Life in Pictures is misleading because there's just so much more that's been going on that sadly I don't have photos for.
Like, how I'm trying to do the 5:2 Diet where I severely limit my calories two days a week in order to stave off the Bad Things That Happen to Older People.
Like, how my Sunday Nite Dinner Invitees & I are immersed in Season Six of Mad Men & how much we love the look of the sixties but perhaps not the feel.
Like, how much time I'm increasingly spending looking at pictures of furry animals like pandas on the Internet when I should be working.
Like, how I visited my daughter Maeflower & her fiancé in Canberra & how the trees were shedding their leaves just like they do in the Northern Hemisphere & I wish I could write a lyrical Haiku about it.
Like, how Maeflower introduced me to Jamie's 15 Minute Meals that are really 45 Minute Meals, but I love them anyway.
Like, how I'm trying to be more like Anna Wintour & wear Not Black.
Like, how in my private moments, I'm becoming a Boganista, which is a term that I fancy that I may have made up, which means a person who has perfected the art of wearing sweat pants & ugg boots.
Like how I'm constantly listening to Dusty Springfield & Alicia Key's, "Brand New Me" on my iPhone as I trudge down the hill to school each morning. I still can't kick the habit of Whitney Houston's, "I Didn't Know My Own Strength", which I really have got to give up very soon.

More Unwanted Advice

 It's the last day of the Holidays & I'm on the fly, an expression that I particularly love & unfortunately don't use enough.
Yes, I'm dashing off to Canberra on the 1pm Murray's Bus. It takes 3 & a half hours, which is just long enough to listen to three of Alec Baldwin's 'Here's the Thing' podcasts (which I totally recommend, as if you'd ever listen to me) while I'm trying to block out the loud phone conversations of my Fellow Travellers.

I'm visiting my daughter Maeflower & her wonderful fiance & cat for two nites.

Talking of cats, Oversharing & Unwanted Advice-Giving Cat have been pestering me to have their say again.
I hope you don't mind.
In case you are confused, Oversharing Cat is the slightly creepier one of the pair who always wants to share particularly Narcissistic (don't you love how nowadays if you want to say something particularly nasty about a co-worker, you call them a Narcissist?) comments that make your skin crawl, if that's the correct expression.

Unwanted Advice-Giving Cat dispenses unwanted advice that nevertheless I tend to end up agreeing with.
I'm not sure why.
Must dash - got to make my Final Holiday Purchase at Bednobs & Broomsticks Charity Shoppe before boarding the bus.
Happy Trails.

Meet Oversharing & Unwanted Advice-Giving Cat

 Hello Dear Reader, We finally meet again!
Exhausted from the enormous effort of making my "If I Was" Video that sadly has only had 85 views on YouTube so far, I decided to have a Small Rest from Della.
But now I'm Back, all Shiny & New just like a freshly minted Bitcoin!!

I have soo much to Show & Tell &...Hurrah Hurrah!, I've got soo much time on my hands to Tell It because I'm on Holidays!
By now you must be getting a little tired of the Exclamation Marks.
So am I.
I won't do any more. But you'll have to imagine that everything I'm writing, I'm writing it in a wildly excited, high energy kinda way.

Like most people, I do love holidays.
Sadly, I'm still waking up just before daybreak, but then I just roll over & try to go back to sleep, or failing that, lie there desperately trying to remember that last little Disturbing Dream I had before waking.
But this morning, I hopped out of bed almost straight away & immediately headed  to the computer to see if I could get any Timely Advice from The Advice Giving Mallard who appears above, & whose advice, along with other memes such as Foul Bachelor Frog, Overly Attached Girlfriend & Misunderstood Spider I often consult.

Unfortunately, I didn't find the advice it gave v. useful. I have never in my life told anyone to smile, & I absolutely loathe it when anyone tells me to.
In my view, the only people who are legitimately allowed to tell people to smile are Professional Photographers when they are taking photos of people who have paid them to do so.

Anyway, whilst I was getting all worked up about this, I made a Sudden Discovery.
To my great surprise, I realised that I, too have a an Advice Giving Animal living inside of me.
In fact, I've got at least two.

Here, below is Oversharing Cat.
She just can't help it - always has to reveal embaressingly tedious personal details about herself to whoever is within ear shot. And always with the quiet assurance that only comes with absolutely knowing that People Are Interested.
My Poor Mother was like that. Whilst walking along the street with her or perhaps shopping inside a Department Store, I would pray that no one would come up & ask her how she was because she would always tell them in detail, starting with her v. sore bunions, moving up through her hiatus hernia & finally finishing with her persistent earwig or imminent cataract operation.

Next, meet Unwanted Advice-Giving Cat.
She's v. similar to Oversharing Cat except her focus is telling people how to behave.
It's a skill that's been honed over many years of sitting on people's laps & listening to them go on & on.

I hope you like them.
If there's any topic you'd like them to cover, just let me know & I'll speak to them.
I must finish watching Simon Schama's Power of Art Episode on Picasso & then hop into bed.
Is it just me, or have you noticed that every Art Historian or Television Commentator always manages to make Picasso sound like an Utter Tool?

I'm Not Just a Thief of Other People's Intellectual Property

Hello & Welcome to My Frustrating Little Life.
For weeks I've been making the above video as a little celebration for Turning 60.
When I finally completed it, I anxiously uploaded it to YouTube.
It took ages not just because I couldn't find the Upload Button (or is it Icon?).
It took sooo long that I rang my internet provider to inquire if I had Connectivity Problems, which I know has been a problem in other areas of my life, like Relationships.
But no, I didn't.

Anyway, finally it uploaded.
But then a Nasty Notice Appeared telling me that I was using content owned by EMI (the song, And She Was by Talking Heads) & that my video was blocked in Some Countries (which turned out to be two French-sounding places that I'd never heard of, no offence to the French).
I became Alarmed.
But then I decided to ignore the notice after acknowledging that in fact I was using content owned by EMI.
Mea Culpa.
For personal reasons that I can't possibly go into now, I totally loathe Copyright.
If you knew the reason, I'm sure you'd understand & not think that I was just merely a thief of Other More Important People's Intellectual Property.

But the Other Snag is that I can't seem to change the Syndication Settings for the video (sorry to become suddenly so technical) & now it won't play on mobile devices or iPads.
I can't stand it.

Above is a Deleted image from the film.
I couldn't work out a way to use 'was' in the sentence as all the other sentences in the film start with 'If I Was....'.
And  'If I Was Doll Hair'  just didn't sound right.
Also, it looks like I've got a giant Cold Sore on my bottom lip which I don't have but it was created by the Magic of Photoshop & I couldn't be bothered trying to fix it.
I do hope you can manage to watch my film.
I guarantee that it's Kind of Worth It.

If I Was Part 2

Hello & Welcome to Turning 60.
To celebrate, I'm dressing up as my Favourite Women of all time.

 I actually would have hated to have been Bette Davis.
What a life.
All that fighting & flouncing.
Although I would have liked to have said, 'Fasten your seatbelts, we're in for a bumpy night'.
Maybe I could say it anyway.
But I must say that I love wearing her eyebrows.

 Talking of eyebrows, I absolutely adored wearing Joan Crawford's.
She really knew how to Give Good Eyebrow.

Lastly, but not Leastly, it was such a privilege to wear the Queen's diamonds. I particularly enjoyed the tiara, although it was a little heavy.

If I Was

 Did I mention that I'm turning sixty this week?
Well I am.
I can scarcely believe it.
And what a time I've had.

To celebrate, I've given myself a v. special treat by dressing up as some of my Favourite Women Over 60.

 What would have I been like as Secretary O'State, Hillary, I wonder? I'm sure it wouldn't be any more demanding than having Year 8 last period on a friday afternoon or supervising a group of Year 7s whilst they're waiting for their Cervical Cancer Booster Shot.
One thing's for sure, though.
I certainly wouldn't wear Matching earrings & necklaces.

 And I'm sure I'd be terrific on The Red Carpet.
Except I certainly wouldn't wear Bright Yellow.
I look enough like a canary as it is.

But I think that, despite all the fab Jewels & wonderful outfits, it would have been a pain to have been The Duchess of Windsor.
Imagine having to spend decades of your life trawling around the major pleasure spots of the World on yachts & luxury liners accompanied by an adoring husband  who gave up his Crown for you?
Even if he was an infantilised whining toad.